Is this thing on?

It’s a typical Monday over here. I’m doing a bit of meal prep after working out and grocery shopping.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror above my sink. Side note: It’s weird, I don’t really understand why it’s there, or who thought to do it, but it’s actually at my eye level (which isn’t very high). Anyway, when I saw myself I noticed that I was smirking. I was actually smiling. These days I’m doing that a lot more. I smile at random people on the street (and by people I don’t mean just dogs). I smile at real-life human beings.

I came back to myself. It’s been awhile, but I’m back. For the last year, I was in the worst job I’ve had in my entire life. It was soul-sucking, it kept me up at night, and I would wake in a panic. I was on edge every day wondering if I’d have a job the next day/week/month. I couldn’t help but be all consumed by it. It wasn’t that it had to be that bad, but I wasn’t treated well and … I just won’t go into it anymore. This isn’t the reason why I’m writing. 

I saw myself in the mirror and I know that I have come back to myself. This is the me that I missed. I’m fire. I’m passionate. I’m an easily-distracted dreamer with so many business ideas that I could probably start four companies tomorrow and I’d have a decent shot at being successful. It’s funny. I don’t think a lot of people I know or the guys I’ve dated really got to see who I am. I think they maybe thought I was just a nice girl. 

Nice girl. 

Yeah, I identify with it on many levels. I love people deeply, I hurt for those that can’t help themselves, and I have a strong sense of obligation to teach and share knowledge. Shitty credit? Yeah, I got a(n) MIP at 20, which led to me losing my license for a year (San Diego doesn't mess around), lost my job due to the recession, couldn’t pay my CC’s, fucked my credit, and eventually bounced back…. 6+ years later. I wanna help. I can show you how I was able to fix it. I am a teacher at heart. Wanna learn how to use your camera? I’ll share what I know. Intimidated in your career? I’ll show you that you’re worth more. I genuinely want that for others.

But I’m more than just a nice girl. I actually grew up thinking that I was hardened and unlovable in many ways. I didn’t have that bubbly flirtatious ability that other girls had. My friends were guys. I was a slightly angsty songwriter/writer/creative that felt out of place. I listened to Brand New and Sigur Ros. My wall was painted a deep red. I had a lip ring. I wrote lyrics and then painted over them. Thankfully, I’m no longer angsty; however, I’m still not just a nice girl. I'm thankful for that as well.

I’m intelligent. I’m determined and sometimes I’ll fight for something just because someone told me no. I want to empower women to get what’s theirs and to reach for the highest goal that they think is just too unattainable. Have I reached all of mine yet? No. Will I get there? Probably. Oh, and I want the same for my guy friends as well, but they often don’t need the push because they are typically raised to be at the top.

So why so vulnerable and open? I don’t really have the answer. Maybe because I’m sick of people not digging in. Maybe I am just kind of annoyed that everything is so surface level with dating and meeting people here. I live in a city where ghosting is so fucking commonplace that you anticipate it before there are any real signs. Because it’s surface level. I’d much prefer to be “alone” and have time to explore and pursue my passions than spend time on that. I must believe in fairy-tales still. I believe there’s someone out there that will be as spontaneous as I am. Who has done something big and life-altering because they wanted to. Who has passion for something. 

Instead of worrying about finding that person (maybe I have and they haven’t shown that they want me enough?), I’m doing my thing. I’m meeting people. I’m enjoying my friends. I’m loving the life I have, it’s not always easy (San Francisco rent is no joke, for one), but it’s pretty good. I’m not alone. I have wonderful, brilliant people in my life. It’s not surface level. It’s the real-real shit and this is a bit of the real-real me. Sorry, really not sorry. 

Picture credit: Luke Lee Photography -